Bacon is the best and manliest food ever invented. The only way bacon could be any better is if we fed it to pigs before we turned them into it – thus achieving double the mantastic, bacony goodness. If you don’t love bacon you aren’t a man. I have bacon with everything. I used to think that if I could have bacon in my coffee I would, then I thought, “What’s stopping you?” Now every cup of coffee I blend has at least three slices of bacon in it.
Here’s a list of things that bacon is better than:
A Muslim friend of mine had never seen bacon before, thanks to his cruel bacon-less upbringing. He asked me:
“What is a typical piece of bacon like?”
Unfortunately, I couldn’t answer his question because there is no such thing as ‘typical’ bacon.
There’s middle bacon, back bacon, cottage bacon, Kevin Bacon. There’s jowl bacon, slab bacon, streaky bacon and even Sir Francis Bacon, but there’s no ‘typical’ bacon. All bacon is unique and individual and wondrous in nature. Every slice of bacon has its own unique nuances and timbres that will melt your tongue into a state of orgasm as your chew through it.
If I could have sex with bacon I would…
What’s stopping me?